Humiliation

For the past few months, I have been hiding myself away in humiliation. That's right, folks. I'm not married yet. Heidi is not a marriageable lady.Don't get me wrong, I've met a few promising leads, and about 3 or 4 I-would-almost-except-for-she-has-a-vagina-and-I-live-in-a-non-gay-marriage-state lesbians, but other than that, men just don't seem to want to solve all of my deep and unmanageable mental issues with their penis.

Now I may not be the most clever chick in the world, but I've seen enough movies to know a lot of things about Men. In fact, I could probably put those things into list form. And you know what? That's what I'll do. 

Here goes.

Things about men that I know from chick flicks:

1. They never mean what they say, and never say what they mean. There's always a double meaning behind everything they do, and if you don't figure it out, you should bug the shit out of him about it. 

What kind of person would actually NOT expect you to read their mind?

2. If everything isn't completely perfect, you should leave him, because relationships don't require any work whatsoever. 

3. Every single problem you have can be solved by a penis and resigning yourself to kitchen and baby duty for the rest of your life.

4. I don't think I ever want to see a sex scene between Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo again. 

Wait...that wasn't a chick flick. That was "In the Cut." And it has absolutely nothing to do with what I know about men.

What the fuck ever. It's true. Anyway, back to what I was saying.

5. Being a woman involves panty hose, Mel Gibson, a hair dryer, prom, and something about being suicidal and calling your foreign boyfriend on your company phone. Men don't know that until they get the magical power to hear all of your thoughts, so bear with them.

Men are completely complicated creatures. Why can't they just be simple? I mean, it's not like I'm over-thinking things here. If I were over-thinking things, I'd certainly be the first woman to do something like that!

Maybe I ought to take a step back. Perhaps I'm being too forward. 

...That must be it. I've found a second wind, folks, and its name is "demanding marriage in the next 5 months instead of the next 3."

I know. Sometimes my self-control and extreme patience amaze me, too.